An Ode To Wannabe A-List Celebrities: “On Set of Any Female-Driven Reality Show,” a script by Jonathan Hurwitz

FADE IN:

EXT. AN EXPENSIVE CAFE – A SUNNY AFTERNOON

An OVERWORKED PRODUCER reviews his notes. Two WANNABE A-LIST CELEBRITIES mingle playfully nearby.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
Ladies! Get your perfect plastic faces and noses and fingers over here. Let’s review.

They shuffle over.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
OK, now remember what we talked about in the production meeting. You–

Overworked Producer points to one of the two wannabe actresses.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
Be a bitch.

She rolls her eyes: this is THE BITCH.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
Good. And you–

Overworked Producer points to the other wannabe actress.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
Be nice.

She smiles: this is THE NICE GIRL.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
Great. Now go.

The Bitch and The Nice Girl walk to their places.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
(rolling eyes)
I deserve a writing credit for this shit.

THE BITCH
You know, playing the bitch all the time is, like, really getting to me. Sometimes I feel like…I really am a bitch.

THE NICE GIRL
Ugh I’m sorry. It must be tough because, like, then people think you’re a bitch in real life.

The Nice Girl takes a seat at one of the outside tables.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Waiting on…

The Bitch tugs her dress down a bit, exposing her bra…and other things.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Last looks. Quiet please! Roll sound. Roll camera.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
Let’s go, let’s go. ACTION!

The Bitch approaches the table.

THE BITCH
Hey girl.

THE NICE GIRL
Heyyyy.

THE BITCH
You look cute.

The Bitch nods at The Nice Girl’s dress: it’s identical to hers.

THE NICE GIRL
(chuckling)
Oh thanks. You too.

THE BITCH
Oh. Psshh. This old thang.

The Nice Girl looks down hesitantly at her own dress as The Bitch takes a seat.

THE NICE GIRL
Well should we eat? I’m so hungry.

THE BITCH
(aside)
I bet you are.

THE NICE GIRL
What was that?

THE BITCH
I said me too. They have the best Grilled Chicken Cobb.

THE NICE GIRL
So, I just wanted to sit down and clear the air. I’ve heard you’ve been saying things behind my back.

THE BITCH
Well I know we’ve had our ups and downs.

THE NICE GIRL
Keri said you called me a bitch.

THE BITCH
Well she’s lying. I’ve never said anything behind your back.

THE NICE GIRL
I mean, she’s not making it up. Why would she tell me you said that if you didn’t.

THE BITCH
Well, she’s crazy.

The Bitch looks at Overworked Producer.

THE BITCH
(whispering)
This is where we pause for an awkwardly long time while that sappy music starts playing in the background, right? And then you say that everything’s cleared up when really nothing’s cleared up at all and everyone knows I’m just going to keep hating you like I did at the beginning of this five-second conversation?

THE NICE GIRL
Yeah, I think so. Oh wait he’s giving us the signal. Keep going.

THE BITCH
Well I’m glad we cleared this up! We’re good right?

THE NICE GIRL
Yeah. Of course.

THE BITCH
I gotta get back to work. It’s like crazy busy at the office. See you soon?

The Bitch and The Nice Girl get up.

THE NICE GIRL
Yeah. Call me sometime.

They walk away in opposite directions.

THE BITCH
Bitch.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
Cut! That’s a wrap, people! And where’s my whole grain organic oatmeal and whey protein bar!!!

The Bitch and The Nice Girl meet at the craft services table. Overworked Producer yells indiscriminate nothings in the background.

THE BITCH
Amazing acting over there.

THE NICE GIRL
Oh my god, you too. We’ve been watching Mean Girls in my acting class to practice that Method acting thing. Rachel McAdams is so great that she’s got to actually be a bitch in real life.

THE BITCH
I know, right. Well I gotta go. I have a meeting with my agent about doing a guest spot on the new season of Law & Order: SVU. I figure that a lead role’s gotta open up soon. I mean, Mariska Hargitay has been on it for, like, fifteen years, right?

THE NICE GIRL
Ha. Yeah. See you tomorrow.

The Bitch walks away.

THE NICE GIRL
That was the ugliest f-ing skirt I’ve ever seen.

Overworked Producer turns to the crew.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
Overworked cameramen! Everyone else can go home, but I need you guys to get some footage of people walking around the city. And by people I mean only the hot ones. And some glossy aerial shots too. Get enough footage so we have a lot of options when choosing which crappy pop rock song–obviously the one with lyrics echoing the exact dialogue in the show–we’re going to throw in at the end of the episode.

The crew shuffles off.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
One day when I’m writing for Mad Men I’ll look back on this and laugh.

He lets out a loud sigh. People stare.

OVERWORKED PRODUCER
OK enough already. Cut to black.

CUT TO BLACK.

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One response to “An Ode To Wannabe A-List Celebrities: “On Set of Any Female-Driven Reality Show,” a script by Jonathan Hurwitz

  1. Utterly BRILLIANT.

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