(THE LONDON CHRONICLES) #1.5: The Time I Nearly Cut My Arm Off While Stuck in a Bathroom for 60 Minutes

Dear Reader(s),

Sometimes I wake up in the morning expecting the day to just be an ordinary day, but then last week I woke up and got locked in an inappropriately small bathroom for 60 minutes after I took a shower. Remember that Aron Ralston guy who cut off his arm in “127 Hours” (and in real life, too)? Now I understand why he went crazy. Prolonged lockdown really does take your mind to some really wacky places! I feel ya Aron, I feel ya.

So let me break down what was going on in my brain place, beginning with my first thought as I reached for the door handle:

00:01 Boxers or briefs?

00:30 This door isn’t opening. This is weird.

00:40 Duh briefs.

01:00 OK. Deep breath.

01:30 Am I seriously stuck in here?

02:00 F**k. I’m stuck.

02:30 These thoughts are in my head. Why am I censoring myself?

03:00 FUCK. I’M STUCK.

03:30 Much better.

04:00 What do I do? I’m hungry! And thirsty! And Juan will be waiting downstairs for me to go to class! OK. Think like a movie…What would Aron do… Tools!

04:30 Lit-ra-lly [thought in a British accent] nothing in this bathroom will help me open this door.

05:00 Should I knock?

I start knocking. Nothing.

05:30 Ugh. Fine. I’ll knock louder.

Roommate gets up.

7:00 [out loud] “Vince. I’m in here. This is really embarrassing. Can you open the door and then go back to sleep and not mention this ever again?”

He tries. Nothing.

9:00 [out loud] “FUCK. I’M STUCK. Can you go get someone?”

9:30-13:59 [Daydream #1: Ryan Gosling knocks down the door and saves me. He’s wearing gym attire.]

Maintenance staff comes. As they fumble with the lock:

14:00-26:00 Ugh. Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s kid is going to be the coolest. Kid. Ever. What will his/her last name be? Bathrooms are boring. What’s the meaning of life? Where did we come from? HOLY SHIT DINOSAURS ACTUALLY ROAMED THIS PLANET. I love dinosaurs. Actually I’m scared of dinosaurs. Oh my god Beyoncé. I’m never going to meet her. What would I say to her anyways so she wouldn’t just dismiss me as another sycophant? Sycophant. Ew. That was a pretentious word I just thought. DINOSAURS! AH!

Maintenance staff informs me they’re going to grab one more person.

26:01-30:00 Awesome. My second day at the BBC and I’m going to be late. Where’s Dr. Who when you need him. Oh my god I really want a TARDIS. Or a space ship. Or Ryan Gosling.

30:01-40:00 [Daydream #2: Something about dinosaurs or space ships or Ryan Gosling.]

40:01-45:00 Should I take another shower? All this sitting has me sweating.

45:01-55:00 This actually ain’t so bad. I got some quality thinking time in.

55:00-55:03 Who would play me in the movie version of this unfortunate event?

55:04-56:00 What does Adele look like without clothes on?

56:01-57:00 James Franco would definitely play me.

57:01-59:50 Naked Adele. Ew.

59:51-60:00 God. Beyoncé and Jay-Z should definitely name their child God.

Maintenance man knocks down the door. He smiles and tells me his name is Sam.

Sam the Maintenance Man

 ——————————————————————

Now it’s your turn! Choose which moral you want to take away from today’s story:

A)   Quality thinking time is best achieved by locking yourself in the bathroom.
B)   Ryan Gosling is God.
C)  Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s unborn child is God.
D)   Sam the Maintenance Man is God.
E)   It’s obviously B and E.
F)    None of the above.
G)  All of the above.

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