(LISTS) My Top Fictional Crushes

DISCLAIMER: This post is not suitable for parents, grandparents, or any of my former teachers.

To the following fine fictional characters, I would say…

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Gaston The Cocky Asshole from “Beauty and the Beast”

Cockiness is a good color on you, my buff animated friend. Let’s get hitched. I hear it’s legal now in Fairy Tale Land ever since the Seven Dwarves declared that Prop 8 is “as poisoned as a witch’s brew.”

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Stanley (Marlon Brando) from “A Streetcar Named Desire”

Your wife is a nut. I’d never even think about choosing my wack sister in place of a robust sexual and spiritual relationship with you.

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Spider-Man

OK, OK. Settle down. Considering I identify as you, it’s a bit weird to cite you as a fictional crush because this would imply that I have a romantic interest in myself. Which I DO. Sike that’s gross ewwww! Just put on your suit and hang upside down and let’s do this already.

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Noah (Ryan Gosling) from “The Notebook” (or really any other character played by Ryan Gosling)

I feel shallow judging men as mere objects valued only for their fine physical achievements. That’s why I’ve come to you, Noah, because I just feel like you get me and you…sike it’s raining and you’re sexy as hell.

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Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) from “Fight Club”

You’re an insomniac who cries during meetings of 12-step support groups. You’re vulnerable, and I like it.

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Sebastian Valmont (Ryan Phillipe) from “Cruel Intentions”

You be you. I’ll play Reese Witherspoon. Seduce me.

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Frank Abagnale, Jr. (Leo DiCaprio) from “Catch Me If You Can”

I feel like you’ve got the role-playing thing down, so let’s play hide and go seek and call it a night.

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Ennis Del Mar (Heath Ledger) from “Brokeback Mountain”

You show me the “me” I’ve always wanted to be.

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Butch Cassidy (Paul Newman) from “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid”

Threesome?

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Tin Tin

I just want to run my hands through your virtual hairs. They look so real!

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Ana (Ana Lopez Mercado), Tenoch (Diego Luna), and Julio (Gael García Bernal) from “Y Tu Mamá También”

Foursome?

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Amélie (Audrey Tatou) from “Amélie”

Let’s live in Paris and wander the city at night and be happy and find more secret boxes and return them to their owners and be even happier.

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Graham (Jude Law) from “The Holiday”

I find your tears endearing.

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It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m not dating anybody, so it’s nice to fantasize about what could be, you know?

 

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One response to “(LISTS) My Top Fictional Crushes

  1. ryan phillipe goes to my gym

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