Mark Zuckerberg and James Bond Do Brunch


Young people in sunglasses and heels fill the small outdoor patio. They’re California Cool.

A YOUNG MAN in a hooded sweatshirt and Birkenstocks sits alone with a glass of water in front of him. He takes a sip.

As if out of thin air, a MAN in a slick gray suit rushes toward the table. He can’t be over 30, and his blue-gray eyes seem to twinkle in the sunlight, even if they really don’t.

The young man quickly stands up as the man takes the seat across from him.

MAN: Bond, James Bond. Sorry I’m late.

The young man sits down.

YOUNG MAN: Mark. I know who you are. Thanks for meeting me.

JAMES BOND: What are you drinking?

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Oh. This. Just water.

JAMES BOND flags a waiter.

JAMES BOND: Vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred.

WAITER: Sorry, sir. We don’t have that.

JAMES BOND: Espresso with vodka. On the rocks.

WAITER: We actually don’t serve alcohol here.

JAMES BOND: Water then. Side of eggs. Scrambled.

The waiter shuffles off. Bond turns to Mark.

JAMES BOND: I’ve heard about you overseas.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: If you type “Mark” into Google I’m the first person to come up. Web credence, I guess.

JAMES BOND: Impressive. So how can I help you. I’ve worked with high-tech equipment before, but I’m not sure how much intelligence I can offer here.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Well, first of all, I hacked into the dorms databases when I attended Harvard and downloaded the names and pictures of all the female students. In a couple hours, I designed a site called “Facemash” using an algorithm for ranking chess players that let students choose which of two girls was more attractive.

JAMES BOND: Brilliant.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: And ever since Facebook happened, girls seem to think I’m an asshole. At least that’s what my first girlfriend told me.

Mark takes another sip of water.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: You can predict daily fluctuations in gas prices or the stock market, but you can’t predict what’s going on in the female psyche. How do you distinguish yourself between thousands of guys who have six percent body fat and who do crew.

JAMES BOND: It’s not science, Mark. The secret is to go for the married ones.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Hm. Right. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.

JAMES BOND: Keep it simple. And short. That’s how I do it. You have a cigarette?


In a flash, Bond gets a cigarette from a beautiful girl at the table next to them.

JAMES BOND: All girls want to secretly cheat on their husbands with a bad guy. They like to be bad.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: What do you mean? I’m just wondering if for all the women you sleep with, is it really worth the slaps, tears, and fear that you’re being repeatedly manipulated by dozens of these femme fatales?

JAMES BOND: Hundreds. No.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: But here’s my question: What about settling down? Are you afraid you’ll have fewer sexual opportunities? You’ve travelled to at least half of the world’s 196 countries, so assuming you’ve slept with at least three women in each country at least two times, you’ve had sex nearly 600 times. By settling down you can actually increase efficiency by maintaining one woman at home who you can sleep with every night, thereby more than doubling that number in less than two years.

JAMES BOND: When you get older, kid, you’ll learn that settling down might not be the shiniest option.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: But you’re happier if you have long-lasting happy relationships. It’s proven.


MARK ZUCKERBERG: You can’t just do this forever.

JAMES BOND: Guess I’ve never really thought about it.

Bond puts out his cigarette. He shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

JAMES BOND: What should I do then?

MARK ZUCKERBERG: I know everything there is to know about you. Just cut the act out, and you’ll be married within the year. You could even increase your productivity tenfold as a CMG and RNVR by keeping your pants on. Productivity is the most reliable engine of success.

JAMES BOND: Well I just joined Facebook because this girl told me to. Should I wait for the girl to friend me or should I friend her first?

MARK ZUCKERBERG: We’re going to need alcohol for this talk. We should go.

They stand up. Mark leaves a one hundred dollar bill on the table as he downs the remainder of his water.

MARK ZUCKERBERG (holding his hand out): Ladies first.

Bond nods. They exit.


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