(ON TOPIC) The (Passive-Aggressive) Disneyland Jungle Cruise Tour Guide: A Short Script


PLUCKY THIRTYSOMETHINGS called “Boat Loaders” help eager families into a jungle cruise boat. A small band of ANGSTY TWEENS straggle behind.

A SKIPPER (28, all tan apparel and hat), speaks over an intercom.


Okay, folks! We’re out of here like a bad Los Angeles baseball team!

The tweens roll their eyes, in sync.


Why helloooo everyone and welcome aboard the Jungle Cruise. My name is Insert Name Here…just kidding. It’s George like the Jungle, and I’ll be the best skipper, guide, social director, and dance instructor you’ve ever had because you strangers all deserve the perfect Jungle Cruise Experience with a Capital E, am I right?!

But first, everyone turn around and wave good-bye to the folks back on the dock. They may never see you again. No seriously. Ha. Ha. Only joking.

The boat makes its first turn.


As we leave the last outpost of civilization, we travel deep into the mouth of the Irrawaddy river of Asia into a tropical rain forests, where it rains some 365 days a year. Many of these tropical plants get their nourishment simply from the air. Get it?! The air. Well no worries, folks, nobody in the history of my long life has ever gotten me!!!

 Tween couple scoffs and starts making out.


On the left, a friendly group of native traders.

George continues with a string of indistinct, culturally insensitive words.


Ukka Mucka Lucka…Wagga Kuna Nui Ka. It’s a good thing I speak their language!

George turns to FANNY PACK MOM (30s, American flag tattoo).


Sounds like they want to trade their coconuts for your husband! Good luck though, ma’am. They’re a picky bunch. My girlfriend flirted with another guy once so I tried to trade her off, if you know what I mean.

George winks. Mom grips child tighter.


Next up, beautiful Schweitzer Falls is upon us again. The overhanging rock formation will afford us a different view this time. I have a special treat for you, folks. You may never have seen this before…There it is! The backside of water!

After passing a toucan, the Rapids of Kilimanjaro, some python/water buffaloes, and Trader Sam, the boat finally pulls back into the dock…


Okay now rise like bread folks, no loafing around. I know my jokes are stale and crumby.

And this is the end of the ride, kids! Please step carefully to your right. I’m going to stay on because I loved it so much and want to ride it again and again and again. Ha. Ha. Kill me now. But only if you want to!

The passengers exit swiftly. George looks left…then right. He reaches under the steering wheel and pulls out a flask.

George sneaks a sip, but stops as he locks eyes with an animatronic hippo.


Hey. It’s the yeast I can do.



**BONUS!!** The Best Amusement Park Drinking Game Ever

by George “of the Jungle” Minkowitz

Drink every time you…

  • See a grown Asian woman with sparkly Minnie Mouse ears
  • See a highly intellectual group of young twentysomethings quizzing each other on 17th century literature while in line for Space Mountain
  • Say “Sure, I’d be happy to!” or “But I was only joking!”
  • Create a memory



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