Tag Archives: Apple

(SHORT NOTES) The Digital Age: A Fairy Tale

Once upon a 21st century morning, three women took their seats side-by-side on a crowded train.

The first woman texted something on her black Samsung flip phone, then closed it with a lusty snap. The other women looked over, jolted, and she sent an ostensibly apologetic nod back.

The second woman then pulled out her Apple iPhone 4S (White). Now all eying one another, the second woman slid her finger with a calculated velocity across the screen, sending a very angry multicolored bird hurtling toward a wall of very hungry green pigs. She tilted the screen slightly left, then slowly right with a quick nod of the head, telling her neighbors that said bird had crashed into said pigs as planned.

Next, the third woman pulled out her Amazon Kindle. The first two women smiled politely at her as she lightly stroked her case cover; it was dressed in “Kindle” stickers, which she’d thought about buying from Amazon.com while laughing maniacally over the NOOK® collection at her nearest Barnes & Noble. (She later tweeted: “See-it-here, buy-it-there, Suckaaaas.”) As she revealed the slick, spotless screen below the cover, the other women released faint gasps. The corners of their mouths slowly lowered, dejected albeit faintly roused.

As the third woman ejaculated silent shouts of victory, the train stopped. A fourth woman claimed the empty seat next to them. The women watched as she reached quietly into her Dooney & Bourke leather satchel and, in one swift motion, crossed her legs and produced an Apple iPad 2 (Black; 64GB) on her lap, as if by fate or magic or both.

The fourth woman sneezed, and legend maintains that if you were very, very quiet, a faint “Mine’s bigger than yours” could be heard.

And they all later relayed their respective accounts of the morning’s commute through passive-aggressive Tweets, except for the woman who didn’t have a smartphone. She just told her life partners (Petal, 41; Steven, 28) that she was really, really PO’d.

NOOK® by Barnes & Noble, Inc. All rights reserved. Used without permission, but who cares, right?!



(THE LONDON CHRONICLES) #4: Jude Law, Big Foot, and Sra. Fish Lips

Dear Reader(s),

Once upon a time, I waited in line with my comrade Juan Cocuy (pronounced Kuh-coo-ee) to get tickets to Jude Law’s last performance in some play you’ve never heard of:

Homeless boy. Or Juan?




3:10 AM Just woke up. Is this real life?
  • 1 PB&J
  • 1 Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Blackberry & Apple bar
  • 1 Banana
  • 1 water
3:41 AM Legitimate excitement. We’re the first people in line!
  • 1 PB&J
  • 1 Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Blackberry & Apple bar
  • 1 water
4:41 AM It’s cold out. First person has arrived, an aspiring actor from Boston. We shall name him “Big Foot.” Juan says: “I don’t like people.”
  • 1 PB&J
  • 1 Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Blackberry & Apple bar
5:41 AM It’s still cold. Second person has arrived, a posh Spanish woman. We shall name her “Sra. Fish Lips.”
  • 1 PB&J
  • 1 Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Blackberry & Apple bar
6:41 AM We’re standing up. The blood is flowin’. Things are good. (Wait. Where the heck is Sra. Fish Lips?)
  • 1 Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Blackberry & Apple bar
7:41 AM Sleep.
  • Nothing
8:41 AM Talking to Big Foot. (No seriously. Where is Sra. Fish Lips?)
  • Nothing
9:41 AM Quiet reading time. Drinking coffee.
  • Nothing
10:41 AM Tickets in hand. Sra. Fish Lips found. Sleep please.
  • Nothing

Your mind takes you to funny places when you’re stationary for an extended period (Aaron Ralston/James Franco: I feel ya.), so I also recorded some of the questions that popped into my head throughout our wait. I’ll leave you with a random selection of the most poignant:

  • Will we be obligated to talk to the first people behind us? Who will they be? Boys? Girls? Jude Law fanatics? Antique teacup collectors?
  • At what time should I pull out my iPhone to maximize its battery life?
  • Will I get mugged?
  • What the fuck is this play about?
  • Why is the man cleaning inside shirtless?
  • Where did money come from?
  • Why is Taylor swift so awesome?
  • No but seriously…what is this play about?

Until next time,


P.S. Watch Beyoncé’s new video. She’s cooler than you.