Tag Archives: Google

(ON TOPIC) The OKCupid Profile of Every Gay Guy in San Francisco Ever

My self-summary                                                                                                  How can I sum myself up in just a few sentences? In short, I guess I just really love traveling and soaking up new cultures. Je suis un nuage, dans le ciel immense.

*Translation: I’m dope at French, bet you’re not LOL.

What I’m doing with my life                                                                               I’m a recent West Coast transplant working in the tech industry while freelancing as a graphic designer for an organic food startup.

I’m really good at                                                                                             Reading people. Call it a sixth sense, if you so dare. 😉

The first things people usually notice about me                                       This question is silly. Look at my pictures, and YOU tell ME!

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food                                     

  • Books: Food, Inc., Brothers Karamazov, Harry Potter
  • Movies: I have a boner for Wes Anderson.
  • Shows: Do we really have to put National Geographic/Travel Channel here, or is that already a given?
  • Music: Impossible to narrow it down. Tchaikovsky?
  • Food: Anything gluten-free, sulfite-free, cholesterol-free, yeast-free, sugar-free, pesticide-free (organic), and/or vegan! Nummy nummy.

The six things I could never do without                                                      Friends, family, traveling, love, oxygen, creation/expression.

I spend a lot of time thinking about                                                                 The impossibility of capturing my nonconformist mind in this text box. And YOU. Yes, you. 😉

On a typical Friday night I am                                                                          Trying to embrace the moment, and letting it embrace me back.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit                                               Google commercials make me cry.

You should message me if                                                                               You’re real, fresh, dynamic, and a wholehearted supporter of kale as the (one and only) way to reach Foodie Nirvana.

The product of one of my favorite OkCupid dates.


Mark Zuckerberg and James Bond Do Brunch


Young people in sunglasses and heels fill the small outdoor patio. They’re California Cool.

A YOUNG MAN in a hooded sweatshirt and Birkenstocks sits alone with a glass of water in front of him. He takes a sip.

As if out of thin air, a MAN in a slick gray suit rushes toward the table. He can’t be over 30, and his blue-gray eyes seem to twinkle in the sunlight, even if they really don’t.

The young man quickly stands up as the man takes the seat across from him.

MAN: Bond, James Bond. Sorry I’m late.

The young man sits down.

YOUNG MAN: Mark. I know who you are. Thanks for meeting me.

JAMES BOND: What are you drinking?

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Oh. This. Just water.

JAMES BOND flags a waiter.

JAMES BOND: Vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred.

WAITER: Sorry, sir. We don’t have that.

JAMES BOND: Espresso with vodka. On the rocks.

WAITER: We actually don’t serve alcohol here.

JAMES BOND: Water then. Side of eggs. Scrambled.

The waiter shuffles off. Bond turns to Mark.

JAMES BOND: I’ve heard about you overseas.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: If you type “Mark” into Google I’m the first person to come up. Web credence, I guess.

JAMES BOND: Impressive. So how can I help you. I’ve worked with high-tech equipment before, but I’m not sure how much intelligence I can offer here.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Well, first of all, I hacked into the dorms databases when I attended Harvard and downloaded the names and pictures of all the female students. In a couple hours, I designed a site called “Facemash” using an algorithm for ranking chess players that let students choose which of two girls was more attractive.

JAMES BOND: Brilliant.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: And ever since Facebook happened, girls seem to think I’m an asshole. At least that’s what my first girlfriend told me.

Mark takes another sip of water.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: You can predict daily fluctuations in gas prices or the stock market, but you can’t predict what’s going on in the female psyche. How do you distinguish yourself between thousands of guys who have six percent body fat and who do crew.

JAMES BOND: It’s not science, Mark. The secret is to go for the married ones.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: Hm. Right. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.

JAMES BOND: Keep it simple. And short. That’s how I do it. You have a cigarette?


In a flash, Bond gets a cigarette from a beautiful girl at the table next to them.

JAMES BOND: All girls want to secretly cheat on their husbands with a bad guy. They like to be bad.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: What do you mean? I’m just wondering if for all the women you sleep with, is it really worth the slaps, tears, and fear that you’re being repeatedly manipulated by dozens of these femme fatales?

JAMES BOND: Hundreds. No.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: But here’s my question: What about settling down? Are you afraid you’ll have fewer sexual opportunities? You’ve travelled to at least half of the world’s 196 countries, so assuming you’ve slept with at least three women in each country at least two times, you’ve had sex nearly 600 times. By settling down you can actually increase efficiency by maintaining one woman at home who you can sleep with every night, thereby more than doubling that number in less than two years.

JAMES BOND: When you get older, kid, you’ll learn that settling down might not be the shiniest option.

MARK ZUCKERBERG: But you’re happier if you have long-lasting happy relationships. It’s proven.


MARK ZUCKERBERG: You can’t just do this forever.

JAMES BOND: Guess I’ve never really thought about it.

Bond puts out his cigarette. He shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

JAMES BOND: What should I do then?

MARK ZUCKERBERG: I know everything there is to know about you. Just cut the act out, and you’ll be married within the year. You could even increase your productivity tenfold as a CMG and RNVR by keeping your pants on. Productivity is the most reliable engine of success.

JAMES BOND: Well I just joined Facebook because this girl told me to. Should I wait for the girl to friend me or should I friend her first?

MARK ZUCKERBERG: We’re going to need alcohol for this talk. We should go.

They stand up. Mark leaves a one hundred dollar bill on the table as he downs the remainder of his water.

MARK ZUCKERBERG (holding his hand out): Ladies first.

Bond nods. They exit.

(SHORT NOTES) New York, I Love You?

On June 3 I wrote a post professing my love for New York City. Then, on August 12, I wrote a post breaking up with New York City. And today I’m writing a post to officially declare that the aforementioned New York City is mindf-ing the living kittens outta me. (Sorry for the strong language, Grandma.)

En route to the city last week I tweeted the following: NYC bound. Expecting to flip-flop once again while writing a blog post about how I’ve re-fallen in love with the city. I did so because I know myself well enough to know that the adage The grass is always greener plays on a continuous loop in my brain place. When I’m in Manhattan, I crave space and quiet. When I’m in a place like, say, Chicago, I crave New York City’s hustle and bustle. That said, this tweet makes sense within the mental frame I’ve built for myself over the last couple years.

But walking around felt different this time around. I think it’s because I was released from Manhattan’s self-inflicted misery when I learned to enjoy Chicago and California this summer. It’s also because I went to a Beyoncé concert (Beyoncé post coming soon.) and Molly’s Cupcakes (Cupcake post coming soon.).

And so, as I sadly leave the city once again, my last week here has got me thinking about the bigger picture: Happiness isn’t a place. Happiness is something from within that you have to carry with you wherever you go. So as I struggle to decide whether I’d like to live in New York City or Chicago or Los Angeles upon graduation this year, my fears are somewhat assuaged by this realization. I’ll be just fine (almost) wherever I go because I can always pick my shit up and move once again.

But for now, London here I come. Prepare yourselves, dear Brits, for my offensively obnoxious British accent.

Until next time…Cheerio!

(Homework: Type the word “cheerio” into the Google search bar and click the little speaker to hear Google Man recite it aloud. Why does he sound so utterly surprised? LOL.)